I have been absent from my writing for too long, letting this blog collect dust and keeping words in my head, all the while meaning to put them instead in a secure home: on paper. I am still getting my bearings, learning what I can manage while working early mornings and going to bed when my kids do. So far, it's not much, but I must find a way to be productive despite my schedule.
My manager, describing me, said: "she hasn't worked for awhile," which, albeit true, felt like it meant I was damaged in some way, like it would take me some time to adjust to working again. Instead, I've found the opposite to be true. I fall into work like an old habit: setting my alarm, following a task list and being a part of a company come natural to me. But then, when I get home, finding a rhythm is my challenge.
I notice I have loosened up quite as a working mother of two, rather than as one. Finally, three years later, I take everyone's advice and "nap when they nap." I don't stress out about cleaning the dishes incessantly or even practicing yoga while they nap. In other words, I have become more lazy as I have become more tired. But I prefer the term "laid back."
But without a rhythm, the house is a mess, my back aches from a lack of yoga, my waistline grows from neglecting cardio. My words jumble inside my head because I don't write, my muscles are sore from not taking baths. I have a library book I have been working on for weeks, nowhere near finished. I am usually so in tune with my health, and now I ignore it's nagging voices to make my schedule work.
So taking a year and a half off of work does make a difference, it seems. It might not be hard to return to work, but it is hard to give up all I had before - the freedom of time. I never even thought I had time then, until I lost it now. Of course, I have gained, too, but it is in ways I didn't concern myself with much before. Finding a healthy balance in all things really must be the key to life. I'm on a quest to find it. After this nap, of course.