I can't imagine how it feels to place your child up for adoption and not know who her parents will be. I can't imagine worrying if she's being cared for properly or if she will be raised with strong morals. I can't imagine the paranoia and worry that must come from the scary unknown. Because the knowledge of who her parents are was the only reason I knew that I was making the right choice. If I hadn't met Matt and Nona and hadn't known from that first day that they would provide Gracie with everything I couldn't, I couldn't have chosen adoption. There would have been no sense in me having someone raise my daughter that couldn't do a better job than I could myself.
My pregnancy was a very tough and emotionally exhausting time. But then came the day that I met Matt and Nona. Here is the journal entry I wrote three days later:
Thursday, May 5, 2005:
On Monday, I met Matt and Nona, a couple who I loved right away from their profile. We met for an interview, and by the end of it, I told them they were exactly what I wanted in parents for my child. Matt started crying, and Nona kept it together.
Monday was the first time I felt good in a long time. Monday I was happy that I had a part in Matt & Nona's joy. I know they will love and provide for this little girl in a way that I can't. Monday I was excited for this girl to be born because I want her to be able to start her amazing life.
I feel like since people have known about my pregnancy, the focus has been on how I've sinned by having premarital sex, or how I'm making a selfish choice by choosing adoption. Monday, the focus was on this little girl, and the joy she will bring.
And I can finally say I am so happy that I'm a part of it. Well, not like I would go get pregnant and do it all over again, but happy for the way the situation is turning out.
I feel her kicking all the time. I just place my hand where the movement is and feel her. Although she is being adopted, in some way I will always be her mother. Maybe not the one she calls "mom," but while she doesn't yet know I exist, I will be thinking of her, and where she is, and how happy I know she'll be. Matt and Nona are the kind of couple I want to be part of when or if I decide to have kids.
So I guess I'm proud. Proud that I have decided to give this girl two separate kinds of life:
1. Physical life - breathing in the world everyday, and
2. A life with a home and a family who've been waiting for her and who are going to love her and give her what I couldn't.
And here we are nine years later, and I still feel the same way. I am so thankful to my daughter's parents for the love they have for her and for all they have done and continue to do for her. And I am thankful that they still think of me and send me a heartfelt email on a day they know is so emotional for me. They made the hardest decision of my life as easy as it could have been. And they continue to reaffirm that I made the right choice.