Tuesday, April 22, 2014

spread thin

I remember when Brandon was a newborn and I was home with him for his first twelve weeks. I remember holding him and taking pictures of him and making sure he did his tummy time and played on his piano gym. I remember writing about his milestones and logging everything in his baby book. He was my world. He consumed me.

So with Holden, I can't help but feel a little guilty that I can't lavish him with the same attention I did Brandon. I hold him when I can, but many times I have to put him down to clean up or to play with Brandon. Holden is much calmer and more independent than Brandon was, but maybe that's only because he has no choice. Even if he was high-maintenance, I would still be only one person with two boys to care for, so he still wouldn't get as much attention as he wanted.

I also feel bad for Brandon - at times I feel like I'm neglecting him when I'm feeding Holden and Brandon is playing unsupervised. Up until three weeks ago, he had all my attention all the time. Now, he has to share. I want to give all of myself to everyone I love. I am realizing now that that isn't possible. That there is only one of me and I can't be everywhere at once. It's tough on me. I can't help but think I was a better parent to one child than I am being to two children.

It is an odd dynamic, if you think about it - having multiple kids. We all only have one spouse, and that's all we want or could handle. But with kids, you can have many. And we would never say we share our love, rather that we have a different love for each child, but you certainly share your time and attention. They don't each get all of you, they each get some of you. The people I love, I love furiously with all I have. And I want my sons to always know that, even though they share me.

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