Saturday, November 30, 2013

rock a bye babies

Tonight I rocked Brandon to sleep after reading books while we listened to Jack Johnson. Holden jumped and kicked so furiously that he would move Brandon's arm. Brandon didn't seem to mind, he just closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. It was a pretty amazing moment - my two sons and I, our hearts beating within inches of each other. I know Brandon is probably too old to rock to sleep each night, but it is my favorite time of the day and I can't seem to give it up. I will give up everything else, but not that. Not yet.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Holden's home

I started ordering the artwork for Holden's room. This is my first purchase:
It's times like this that I wish my sister hadn't moved away. I wish she was here to help me paint the walls red and arrange the furniture and go shopping for little knick knacks that make the room special that only Amber would think of. That god damn Pacific Northwest's siren song is undeniable.

Monday, November 11, 2013

weekend update

Cool Joe. Slobber is real cool, you know.
Yesterday, my boys and I tended the yard. We had quite a few leaves.
 Brandon loves to help.
 And sometimes, he just wants to play.
 He loves chocolate muffins as much as his mom does. 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Our second child

It has been no secret that Steve and I would love another boy. Steve picked out Brandon's name in an agreement that I would get to pick out our second child's name. I've been holding onto this name for two years, waiting to have a baby to give it to. The name, of course, is for a boy. Our toys and clothes are for a boy. Our personalities are suited for a boy.

So today, at our 20-week appointment, we anxiously waited to hear that our next baby is also a boy. If it isn't, I would be faking a sonogram like Miranda did in Sex and the City. I brought all of my testosterone with me - both Steve and Brandon; I stacked the deck in our favor. And the ultrasound tech got a good look at our littlest one and announced that it is, indeed a boy.

Holden Paul will be here in twenty more weeks. My baby has an identity that has been long awaiting his arrival. I feel like I already know him. He is my sweet second boy. A bit less adventurous and more quiet than Brandon, I presume. Yet funny and loving and smart. He will be here soon, in my arms at last, this second boy I've been hoping for since I was a young child. My dream of having two boys is reality now.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013


When we are young, we are vibrant and adventurous and energetic and charismatic. Or at least, that’s how we choose to remember ourselves.

What is it about adulthood that churns us all out into these drab, reasonable and cautious people? It’s as if responsibility is a vacuum and it takes all of us in our different colors, shapes and textures and empties us out as the same gray fuzz.

Sometimes I wonder when it is that I sold out to the me of my youth. When did I start doing something I hate to make a reasonable salary rather than pursuing something I love? When did I stop being spontaneous and adventurous and become predictable and boring? When did I begin redeeming coupons at restaurants and buying tank tops at Costco and needing a nap on the weekends?

And if I really try to answer those questions, I realize all of these changes we go through come gradually as we age. As much as people try, we can not reverse aging. With our experiences come wisdom and a new perspective that we hadn’t seen when we hadn’t a use for it. After we’re through with our recklessness, we try instead to repair damage. After we’ve burnt ourselves out on things of little importance, we decide to spend the time we have left on what matters most.

And sometimes, of course, we do lose our way. We become creatures of habit and don’t make changes we should out of comfort. There is great comfort in predictability. Predictability for adults is spontaneity for the young. So there is a balance to be found, between the versions of our adult selves and our younger selves. And this year, I’m on a quest to find it. I am not seeking a fountain of youth, rather a perfect marriage of purpose and joy. They need not be mutually exclusive, after all.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Beautiful autumn

I walked by Brandon's room and thought I left the light on.
 My little monkey didn't like wearing his hood.
 First time trick-or-treating. 
Every time kids came to the door, he tried to go back out with them.
 Cheesing for the camera.
 Candy, candy, candy.
Foreshadowing on the left.