Friday, October 25, 2013

Angry moments

Not long ago, I was devastated. I was disappointed, then upset, then resentful. I let those emotions play out. I wrote to clear my head of it. I talked it through with Steve. And then, I chose to let it go. I decided I can chose to harbor resentment and be angry, but that is not a state of mind I constantly want to be in. I choose otherwise. I don't feel that I did wrong, I feel that I was wronged, but that doesn't matter. Who did what or who hurt who or why is outside of my control. What is inside my control is how I react. And I responded in all of the natural ways - the ways my mind told me to. I said my piece, I was honest and transparent. And now, I've moved on.

This is a maturity turning point for me. I am aging, and trying to do so more gracefully than my youth would have told you I would. And do you know what happened once I said my piece and played out my emotions and then let it go? The person who wronged me apologized. We all have a choice of how to respond to what happens to us. Life is too short to be constantly weighed down by hate and anger. I choose to let it go. I choose to get rid of the anger so the happiness can stay.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Tale of two hands

I love how much my boys love each other.
"Stud muffin" as they call him at daycare.
 The tale of two hands.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Pumpkin Patch

Last night we went to the Pumpkin Patch.
Last time I was there, Brandon was just a little thing in my belly.
Next time I go there, this little thing in my belly can enjoy it, too. 

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Wishes for my adult son

Steve and I have started reading our first parenting book. And something I read tonight stuck out to me: 

What is it that I really want from my child? When my baby has grown into an adult, what characteristics do I want him to have?

Here is what I wish for the adult Brandon:

Respect: I hope that he treats people with respect. And I don't just mean the polite stuff like opening and holding doors. I mean when people talk to him, he listens. He seeks to understand other people from their point of view, rather than his own. He treats people as they can and should be, rather than as they are.

Independence: I hope that he is resourceful and self-reliant and adventurous enough to take care of himself and his family. That although he has people he can rely on, he will not rely on them in lieu or learning and doing it himself. That he gains a quiet confidence in his own capability because of what he was able to build himself.

Self-assurance: I hope that he is instilled with an intrinsic sense of self-worth so he does not need outside forces to tell him his value. He will not rely on others to define himself. He will not require accolades for motivation, he will not require compliments to feel attractive, he will not need a challenge to prove what he can do. He is good enough, smart enough, capable enough despite the unpredictable bars of those around him.

Unconditional love: I hope that he loves without condition. That when someone he loves disagrees with him or changes a bit or is being hard to love, that that doesn't change his love for them. I hope that his love for others is more than a passing feeling - that it is a deep, committed friendship. That he doesn't hold grudges or avoid someone he loves who has wronged him. Instead, he has faith in who they will become and loves them anyway.

Passion: I hope that he finds activities, people, projects, jobs that motivate him, excite him, and energize him. I hope that he maintains the curiosity and creativity he had in his adolescence and is continually recharged by it.

Humility: Despite what a spectacular individual he becomes, I hope that he does not act like he is better than anyone else. I hope that maintains a level-head and an approachable personality and a positive outlook. I hope he leads by example, rather than by authority. I hope his actions speak louder than other people's words.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Song of the snails

Song of the snails on their way to a funeral
Translation - original text is in French
by Jacques Prévert 

Two snails went to the burial of a dead leaf.
 They had black shells with crêpe on the horns.
 They left in the evening, a beautiful evening in autumn.
 But when they arrived, it was already spring.
 The leaves which were dead were all resurrected,
 and the two snails were very disappointed.
 But then the sun -- it was the sun which said to them,
 "Take, oh take the sorrow, the grief that weighs on you.... 
Take a glass of beer, if the heart says so to you;  if you wish take the bus to Paris.
 It leaves tonight.  But do not take the grief. It is I who says this to you.
 That blackens the white of the eye and then spoils the tales of the  coffins.
 It is sad and not happy. Take back your colors, the colors of life,
 and then all the beasts, the trees and plants began to sing to themselves
 the true songs of spring." And all had something to drink and toast.
 It is a very beautiful evening, a beautiful evening in summer,
 and the two snails returned home. 
They went warmed and happily, because they had drunk much. 
They staggered a little. But high above in the heavens
 -- the old moon was over them.

Thursday, October 3, 2013


People give pain, are callous and insensitive, empty and cruel...but place heals the hurt, soothes the outrage, fills the terrible vacuum that these human beings make. ~ Eudora Welty

I love coming home. The highlight of my day is bringing Brandon back home after long days at work and daycare. Here I am happy. Here, I am free from all the people who cause pain. Here, I can read and write and refocus. Here I am no longer bombarded with the days ups and downs that don't matter in the grand scheme of life. Here, life has purpose. Here, there is love and happiness and warmth.

Outside, it's man's cruel world. Out there is hatred and spite and malice and evil. But inside, we're family. Inside, there's love.