Saturday, August 3, 2013

quitter

I am pathetic. I am a weak person. As you all know, I quit caffeine back in February. And that stuck for awhile - two months, maybe. Until I told myself that having a coffee once in awhile certainly wouldn't make me an addict. And that's true, if you can get once in a while to stick. For me, however, it turned into daily. So here I am, dependent on caffeine once again after my intense rehab from it less than six months ago. I have no self-control. Zero. I admire the strong, as I take a swig of my coffee, realizing what a weakling I am.

So I'm at it again. I quit again. I just can't stop quitting. I'm a quitter. I quit piano lessons, some friends, some guys, some jobs. If you add up all the times I've quit anything, it will make your head spin. Hey, at least I'm good at something, right? The intensity of the caffeine withdrawal has passed. The first three days are the worst. And here I am, on day 4 (yet again). Maybe it will stick this time.

Maybe people will stop giving me gift cards to coffee houses and offering to bring me one at work. Yeah - it's their fault. It's the fault of the generous people in the world that I'm in this predicament. I love it when people fault others for their own failures. It makes me laugh. Like they have no control over their own lives and are completely reliant on others for everything. That's not me. So the first three sentences of this paragraph were irony, in case you didn't catch it.

Although people don't control my life, does caffeine? Do I have control of my own life without coffee guiding me? I fell asleep at nine last night (Friday night). Remember when we used to rage on Friday nights? How fall I've fallen. Right into my pillow. Brandon and I are on the same sleep schedule. A life where I am no longer reliant on caffeine is what I want. I have to remind myself of that. That I'm in control now. Fuck off, coffee! (But I really didn't mean that, I love you - it's the absence of you talking. Sometimes when you love something, you have to let it go).

And this time, let's hope it sticks for more than two months. I don't know how much more rehabilitation I can go through. I will look like a bad joke. Plus, the headaches are killer. Quitting something is easy. It's staying away that's hard.

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