Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Chasing success

I'm 30 years old. 30 fucking years old. And I still have no idea what I'm doing. How long does it take to figure life out? A lifetime? It seems that once people get everything sorted out, their best years are behind them. But maybe that's the beauty of life - an endless cycle of trial and error.

I think about these things a lot. I doubt most people think about it as often as I do. I am always reflecting on what I do and who I am and who I should be. I reflect on what I don't like and what I do like and why it seems I do more of the former than the latter.

Maybe life is never completely perfect but it's the pursuit of happiness that fulfills us. Aren't we always discontent? Always thinking, if only _________, then I'd be happy. I am a mostly fulfilled person. I am fulfilled with my son and my husband. I love this house we live in. I am generally a rather content person. But isn't it like us to find the one thing we aren't content with and let it consume us? To let that hold more weight than all the many things we are content with?

Perhaps it's a matter of evolution. Strong people are always evolving into better and stronger people. Weak people have no drive to become any different than they currently are. I have no absence of drive. I am very driven and motivated. Maybe that's why when there is something I'm unhappy with, I think about it. I think about how I can change it. And if my solution doesn't work, I change my tactics.

That has worked for me, mostly. I am successful by other people's standards. But what I really want is to be successful by my own standards. And my standards differ from other people's. I asked my interviewee today what success meant to her. And she said it meant enjoying what you do; every day waking up and being excited about what is in store for you. I really liked that. Success to me isn't a job title or a salary or a Range Rover. Success isn't a bank account balance or a mansion or an ivy league education. Success is enjoying life to your fullest capacity. And that means something else to everyone.

So yeah, maybe I am 30 fucking years old and still trying to figure it out. But maybe I'm not the only one. Maybe we all in some way are always chasing an elusive vision of what our life could be. And if there is a way to get there, that's got to be it.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Brandon's world

He crawls into everything. He opens any cupboards, pulls things off shelves, and wriggles his way wherever it is he wants to go. 
He doesn't apologize, but he looks so damn cute that I can't stay mad at him.
He gets bored indoors and begs for the outside. 
By the end of the day, he has worn himself right out.

Thursday, April 25, 2013


You might recall, I have a goal this year of becoming more disciplined. I have a ways to go, but I've made a start and I'm already reaping the benefits. Here's how I've changed:

Action: I kicked caffeine
Results: I save tons of money on Scooter's Coffee; my body now sleeps when it needs to since caffeine isn't dictating its alertness; I'm now 100% addiction free!

Action: I started eating healthier (no fast food, nothing fried, very limited desserts)
Results: I feel better; I look better; we save money on eating out

Action: I started walking and running outside
Results: Better mood; lost a few lbs; better use of my time than watching TV

Here are my next to dos:

1. Get Brandon on a nighttime routine. This sucks. I started it on Monday. I have never heard so much crying from him. But I feel like we're getting there. I have to make it a habit before it will stick.

2. Less TV, more reading. Luckily, the good shows are mostly over now. I can at least make this stick until Big Brother but I haven't committed to giving that up. Everyone has to have a guilty pleasure!

3. Spend more time working on the house. I would love to always have a clean house and immaculate yard and be in the midst of an improvement project. That hasn't happened yet.

Here is how I am different:

I really believe that being more disciplined in my life is changing me. Slowly but surely, I'm becoming a better person. And good things have happened in my life as a result.

I'm a firm believer in your life is what you make of it. If you're unhappy, change it. So many people are reactive and their lives are dictated by what happens to them. I'm proactive and believe you can make your life what it is. Discipline is how I've been proactive in my life. Feels good - and I've only just begun!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

First year lessons

Sometimes it's hard to believe that a year has passed so quickly. Sometimes it feels like it's been more than a year. But either way, to think about my life before Brandon is hard to do. He is my everything now. I have reflected a bit on what I've learned this past year:
1. There's no way around buying sweatpants for your child. Sometimes (usually) comfy beats out style (for both of us).
2. Kids are full of poop and snot and piss and spit. Get over it - they're disgusting, so you will be too.
3. Kids love adventure - throw them in the air or spin them around and they're happy (you won't drop them).
4. Forget about "me time." Period.
5. All of your time is kid time. So just settle in for a long hour of Sesame Street without complaining.
 6. Buy your kid an expensive toy and he will just want to play with the box it came in. Dollar bin now!
 7. When you try to distract him from something, he'll only be interested in what you're trying to distract him from.
8. If you worry too much, you'll drive yourself crazy. Kids will fall down. Bruises will heal.
9. Sometimes it's easier to give your child what he wants than cause a temper tantrum.
10. Every time there is a temper tantrum, I'm thankful for my husband being here to help me. It takes a village. It truly does.

Monday, April 8, 2013

splish splash

This kid would stay in the bath tub all day if you let him.
 His little fingers and toes get all pruney.
He gets excited every time I take him upstairs because he thinks that means it's bath time.
I take him out when he has soaked me with his splashing.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Brandon's 1st birthday

Yesterday was Brandon's 1st birthday party. And I might have gone a little overboard. But he only turns one once. I could talk forever, but since pictures are worth a thousand words, let me give you tens of thousands of words instead: