Saturday, June 9, 2012

pieces of me

Anyone who has known me the last seven years might have worried about my emotional state after having a baby; worried that I would be plagued with post-partum depression. I myself worried that. I compiled a list of books to get if that were to happen. I mentally prepared myself for baby blues. For the last seven years, I have been overly emotional - depressed at times, with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness that washes over me unexpectedly, even though I have a loving husband who should make me feel anything but lonely.

There is a piece of me that I lost after Gracie was born. That critical piece being gone has turned me fragile. Before I thought I could handle everything. Now I realize that I can't. And when I can't, I become depressed, lonely. A lump forms in my throat and I sink into solitude, whether or not people surround me. So you can imagine why I prepared for depression. Becoming a mother for the first time might be one of those situations I can not handle.

And although I don't deny parts have been difficult and that I have learned a hell of a lot, many things the hard way in these last ten weeks, I am pleased to report that depression has not reared its ugly head. In fact, I'm happier now than I have ever been. I do cry sometimes, but it's because I feel so lucky. A tear rolls down my cheek when I stare at Brandon's sweet face for too long. I didn't know I could love someone I've only known for ten weeks this much. Although the piece is still missing, I've got a new piece added to me as well. And although the new will never replace the old, at least I feel complete again.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Live as though you will die tomorrow, but learn as if you will live forever". It's one of the finest quotes ever spoken. You will and are doing just fine. You are and will be a great mother and the learning process in parenthood never ends...even after they turn thirty-five.

melinda sue said...

holly,

i feared this for myself when i became a mother, and i have the fear for eveyone i know when they become a mother. but just like you, i felt better than okay after having a baby, i felt happier than ever.

it is the hardest and most wonderful thing to ever happen.

you are doing great.

asher and i want to come see you this week.

Donna Boucher said...

I don't want to use the word happy....cause that sounds so happy...but that you are feeling good and at peace makes my heart glad.

love to you and your family