Wednesday, October 26, 2011


I am one feisty pregnant woman. I'm always feisty. But being hormonal gives me an even bigger attitude. Just what I need. I am the only person you know who would get in a fight with the McDonald's manager at the drive-thru window. My friend and I wanted ice cream, and since my first love, Dairy Queen, was closed, we had to settle for McFlurries. We placed our order.

And we waited. And waited. "How long does it take to toss some M&Ms into ice cream?" I groaned, blaming the baby for my impatience, but knowing the little one had nothing to do with it. "This has taken a while," Marie answered while eying the receipt. "It says here that we placed our order at 10:46."

"It's 10:56!" I cried incredulously. "10 fucking minutes for two McFlurries? This is insane!" At that, I straightened myself and peered into the window, trying to see what the hold up was. I contorted my body to see the ice cream machine, and there was a girl with a bad attitude staring back at me. "She is in no hurry!" I exclaimed while slumping back into sitting position. "Just taking her sweet time and giving me the stink eye."

Marie didn't have time to warn me that the manager was opening the window. "Yes ma'am?" he asked, annoyed. I didn't know what to say to that. Was that a question? I didn't respond. "What can I do for you?" He rephrased. "I'm just waiting for my food," I said, and of course I threw in the shrugged shouldered-open palm-raised eyebrow gesture to show just how stupid his question was. I'm in a drive thru. I have been for ten minutes. I'm not eating. What do you think you can help me with?

"Yes, we're working on it," he said. No apology. No explanation for the hold-up. No free Monopoly pieces. Jack shit. A waste of opening the window. Finally, he brought the two McFlurries. I grabbed them impatiently and drove off in a roar. Marie stopped trying to stifle her laughter. The pregnant bitch finally got what she paid for.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


I had some bitchy, snarky things to say, some complaints to make which have been welling up inside of me. I have been pretty irritable and it doesn't take much to set me off these days. But while I was sitting on the couch, watching tv, Steve came and sat down, holding the free American Baby magazine that came in the mail today.

He ripped out an ad for a Boppy and passed it to me, exclaiming how cool this thing looked. I told him I knew what a Boppy was and of course we would get one. Then he passed me an article about the seven types of annoying people to pregnant women, all seven of which I am very aware of and encounter every day. He told me I could subscribe to weekly emails which explained how the baby was developing inside of me. I told him I am already subscribed, but he should download the free app on his iTouch.

It made me smile to see him so interested in the next phase, trying to prepare. I am always unprepared (but I prefer the word "spontaneous"): I give speeches at work without index cards. I throw a few shirts in the suitcase twenty minutes before we leave for a trip. I moved halfway across the country without having a job or an apartment lined up. Steve is my opposite. He remembers to bring the cell phone charger on trips and worries about circumstances that may never happen and reads reviews before buying any product.

We balance each other out. So while I don't know if either of us will be good at this whole parenting thing individually, as a team, I think we will manage. He will cram for parenting over the next six months, and I'll hope I learn it as it happens. And one way or another, we will.

Monday, October 3, 2011

bully disease

It's only October 3rd and I'm ready to declare, "I'm aware of breast cancer." I'm aware of it without needing to see pink ribbons everywhere and pink cleats on NFL players and yogurt tops and "race for the cure" and "Susan B. Komen foundation" on T-shirts and signs and buses. I'm aware of breast cancer without all this marketing the same way most Americans are aware of it: we know someone who has it or had it.

In fact, breast cancer is the way I plan to die. So until then, can I please live through Octobers and every other month without being inundated with breast cancer paraphernalia? I'm not against finding a cure - by all means, find it! Preferably in the next twenty years before I'm diagnosed with it. But while finding a cure, let's stop acting like breast cancer is the only cure we're in need of finding.

How about a cure for AIDS? Heart disease? Skin cancer? I don't even know what colors those ribbons are because those diseases aren't parading around like they're the King of Diseases and the only cure in need of finding. I know I still have four more weeks in October and the rest of my life to continue seeing and hearing "breast cancer" like it's the source of the Apocalypse. But damn it if I'm not going to voice my hatred for pink ribbons in the midst of it.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Drink/personality chart

I want a margarita. An icy cold, blended, flavored margarita. I only drink socially, never alone, so imagine my sudden longing for booze when I was invited to happy hour despite my condition. I'm still going. I will go and eat cheese balls because I enjoy the conversation, even without the booze that makes it so much more interesting. I wonder what drinks they will choose. I always have an expectation of what kind of drink someone will order because of what person I think they are. Here is my interpretation of a person based on the drink they order:

1. Domestic beer: low maintenance; run-of-the-mill; somewhat dull
2. Specialty beer: unique personality; knows what they want; has a few vices
3. White wine: somewhat snobby
4. Red wine: full-out snobby
5. Rum and coke: new to drinking cocktails and didn't know what else to order or first ordered a rum and coke and never switched to anything else when the rest of us did
6. Whiskey: future alcoholic
7. Gin: full-out crazy
8. Michelob Ultra: weight issues - might be extreme dieting, extreme exercising, anorexic or bullemic. Doesn't drink much and leaves the party earlier than most.
9. Vodka tonic: same as #8, but this one wants to get drunk
10. Margarita: no longer a young drinker but still knows how to have a good time
11. Shots: desperate to get laid tonight
12. J├Ągerbombs: wants to get laid or have fun, and can't do either without this drink

There are hundreds of other drinks, but these are the main ones I see people order, so these ones I have the most opinions about. Don't comment to me on how you love red wine but you're not snobby or anything like that. Keep in mind, I have drank all and still drink many of these beverages. So whatever terrible thing you think I'm saying about you is what I am saying about myself. What did I miss?