Monday, March 7, 2011

ageism, Peeping Toms, abacus

More Google searches that lead to my blog:

1. Would you mow the lawn unasked of a 75 year old neighbour?
First off, let me justify the needless "u" in the last word, because this hit came from Australia. They can throw "u"s into anything and be excused.
Secondly: hell no, I wouldn't! Have you met me? I've never even mowed my own lawn. I'm the one who wakes up in the winter hoping my 75-year-old (oh yeah, we use hyphens in the US) neighbor snow blowed my driveway. Let's not be ageist and think that older people are useless now. We should all treat each other equally if we want to live in harmony.
2. Hot women in short black mini skirt to fuck
Just because I wrote a post about the subject after I received a blog hit from someone Googling being a restaurant hostess doesn't mean I will engage in this behavior for every single Googled phrase.
3. What does "you stiffed me" mean?
You must be home schooled. You think every phrase you don't understand is a euphemism for sexual behavior when really sometimes it isn't. Or maybe it is.
4. I'm a server and the hostess sit me only with teenagers
First off, are you a teenager yourself? Because full-grown adults have learned how to use "sit," "sat," and "set" by now. There might even be a Dr. Seuss book on the subject. Second, you sound like a real dumbass, so I bet the hostess is trying to teach you proper English, starting first with words you would understand. Although teenagers might have overshot the mark a little. Problem is, most kindergartners don't come with a credit card, so you'll have to start higher than your level. By age 90, the hostess might be giving you college kids if you progress nicely.
5. Sweaty women working out
Go to the gym to see that, you lazy bastard! Get out of your computer chair and take a peek without looking like the total pervert you are on the internet. That's what gyms are for: disguising Peeping Toms in mesh and Under Armour for a low fee of $30/month. I think I missed my calling in the marketing world.
6. Bitchen fucking everything under the moon
No, I was wrong before. This is that Dr. Seuss book I missed growing up.
7. Sexless bitch
You are the only person in the history of the world wide web to add "less" to the end of "sex." Was your mom coming up the stairs? Should have stopped there; "bitch" is a dead giveaway.
8. on friday night let's superglue steve's hands together in her sleep. she deserves it for being such a%2.
The real crime is that your friend Steve is a female. You gluing her hands together is petty larceny in comparison. And I have no idea what last word you were going for there. What's a three-letter swear word that doesn't require an article before it in that sentence? You got me. Must be an acronym.
9. matchprofiles.com
This always gets me: people google search something they don't know the url address of and write ".com" at the end as if that will magically make the site appear. Even though you typed it in a search engine and not your URL window, and that is not a website to begin with. I could fill books with mocking stupid people, so let's not waste all my energy on it in this one blog.
10. Giantess dd cleavage
OK, I really thought this person meant to write "gigantic" but is an idiot. But then I dictionary.com'd that shit and found out a giantess is a female giant. So you're telling me someone wanted to see an actual female giant w/a DD bra size? That has to be the smallest-chested giantess in the history of giantesses. Even Heidi Pratt is GG and she's a size 0. Giantsess' cleavage has to start at the size of Kirstie Alley's ass (pre-Jenny Craig, both rounds) and work upwards from there. We're no longer on the alphabet, people. We need an abacus with a lot of beads where we're headed.

1 comment:

Patrick said...

I always get a kick out of these