Monday, November 22, 2010

dreams uninterrupted by an alarm clock

I enjoy the sense of accomplishment I get from working. But the enjoyment stops there. I do not like feeling stressed and anxious and worried. Nothing can do that to me quite like work can. I dream about work when I'm not there. I worry about about getting behind. I feel stressed if I don't execute everything flawlessly. I have impossible expectations for myself which makes me feel like there is no option but to quit and try something else: until the exact same feelings build up and I start over: an endless cycle of quitting while I'm ahead and then starting again. I always want to be ahead, never behind.

I dream of the day I can pack working an 8-to-5 in. But I know it's not realistic. Steve and I bought this house as a dual-income couple with expectation of remaining a dual-income family. I bought my desk on credit that I have to pay off by working. It all seems so convoluted: working so I can enjoy my hobbies but not enjoying my hobbies because I'm working. Steve tells me I don't know what I want, which is true. He tells me I would be bored if I didn't work and that the novelty would quickly wear off like it does for everything else.

I'm afraid he knows me better than I know myself. So then the only solution is to be a writer. To work in my home at my desk, with no one to answer to but myself. My only Excel spreadsheet is the log of poems submitted to literary journals. I would type a nonsense blog until I got my creative juices flowing enough to write something else. I would go to Starbucks when I had writer's block and if that didn't cure it, I would shop for home decor among the clocks and framed art and vases of Garden Ridge, Marshall's, and JCPenney.

I would read on our chair with matching ottoman in the corner by the fireplace with Tucker snuggled up next to me under a blanket. And somehow, checks would come. I would get rejection letters, sure, but few and far between. For the most part, I would submit my writing and an editor somewhere would think it was brilliant and needed to be shared. That is my dream. Lofty, sure: but aim high. I heard on the Apprentice that "genius is perseverance in disguise." Who says the perserverance has to be at my 8-to-5? Maybe, just maybe, if I persevere at my hobby, I can turn that into my career. I think someone somewhere has done it before.

4 comments:

melinda sue said...

if anyone can do it, it's you.

Anonymous said...

I'm in the process of doing it...so I know it can be done. Keep the faith in yourself and a positive attitude even in the face of your setbacks. Be "proactive"...:) (Inside joke between us there...)

Scott M.

Mrs. Hyde said...

You can do it...people live their dreams every day. Good luck.

Kimberly said...

Two thoughts! First, it can be done and I think you're the one to do it, so go Holly. Second, I only dream about hiring employee's like you;). Having said that, I am just like you in my job and I'd love to find something that actually fulfills me instead of always leaving me drained! I have a feeling I'll find that within the next 3 to 5 years... stay tuned!