Sunday, October 24, 2010

shattered glass

Being a birth mother is not easy. It is emotionally exhausting enough on its own already. Every day you think about it and try to push it away. But always, it's there. It's a part of you that never remains in the past as some other things do. Then you throw a couple people who sling hateful comments at you into the mix and it becomes even more draining. Last night was my second instance of some drunk girl saying, "why don't you go give another baby away?" I lost it. Steve had to escort me to the car to prevent me from going to jail for assault.

When I was pregnant, the adoption agency I went through had me fill out a booklet that went through my decision making process. I found it the other day and I had answered this question: Are you thinking of making that decision based on other people's feelings? with: I want to make the decision based on what I think is best for me and my baby, but it's hard when I'm surrounded by people who don't support my decision and think I'm selfish. The woman who works at the agency wrote back, "I just can't understand that line of thinking!"

Neither can I. But it's out there. It's out there representing itself in cold stares and whispers and a few people that say exactly what they feel about it to my face. It's out there beating me down and making me feel worthless over and over again. I know I did the right thing, but it's hard to know something is right when so many people think it is wrong. I guess what's right is all relative. So you might say it was wrong when I hurled my glass at this hateful drunk girl, but I say it's all relative.

10 comments:

Rabbit ツ said...

I hope you hit her with that glass. Had it been me, there would have been a Teresa Flippin' a Table Scene scene.

I hate people like Drunk Girl. Sorry you encountered her, darlin' - you are too good of people for that.

Kimberly said...

Wow! Crazy! I don't really know you, but I will confess to you here and now that when I learned about your decision to give your baby up for adoption I decided in that moment that I was going to be a huge Holly fan forever. With that decision you showed a depth of character that people like drunk girl will never have, or understand. Whats more, I promise you that drunk girl will face some event in her life that surely bring out her week character for all to see, and I wonder who will stand by her! If I had been there she may have had two glasses thrown in her face!

Ann Van Gilder said...

You are to be admired for thinking beyond yourself. You are and will always be a mother. And one who thought of her child's best interest at the time and continues to do so now! Bless you.

Karen F. said...

WOW Holly...........maybe your decision struck drunk girl to the core,maybe she was in the same situation and made a choice she completely regrets. You know in your heart the courage and strength it took to make the choices you made, just looking at the pictures of your beautiful daughter and the relationship you have with her seems like you made the very best decision. What you did was one of the most UN selfish things anyone could ever do, giving the gift of life to parents who would not be able to have their own. How many of us can say we did that? Not I.
I guess this just touches me as I'm adopted and realize had I not been, by entire life would have been so different. My adoptive parents ALWAYS told me I was and ALWAYS told me I was extra special, because I was CHOSEN by them.
You did right Holly!

Anonymous said...

That was the most fantastic thing I've seen in a long time..the look on her face was priceless. Stupid airfreshner bitch.Ha! You know there are more people out there that love you no matter what you have done and thats all that matters. People like her are scum of this earth, they have no real sense of what life is truley all about they just want to bring people down becuase their lives suck so bad. You are such a great person.

To all the dumb bitches like her... eat shit you're the ones who aren't worth a damn.

You are the best sister in law ever! I'm so lucky to know you!
Emily

Mrs. Hyde said...

When I was in my early 20's, my drug addict mother lost custody of my six-year-old sister. I tried being a mother to her. I tried raising her as my own, but I was filled with so much anger and bitterness at our mother that I was taking it out on her. I finally made the very painful decision to give her up because I realized that I was not the person that should be raising her. I was not the right person for the job. Although the decision was painful, it turned out to be the right one because she is now a lovely, healthy 18-year-old with the world at her feet. It takes true love to make a decision so painful. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

What comes around goes around...

holly said...

Thank you to everyone who commented on this post. I'm glad I have you as my friends, whether in real life or on the internet.

This blog has been a great source of therapy to me: you are reading my drabble and I feel the love.

Some people in life serve as nothing more than stumps to trip the people going places. But we just have to get back up and keep running.

melinda sue said...

if i were there i would have thrown the glass for you... you are the most selfless, loving mother i know.

i am so sorry that people don't see what you did as the gift it is.

"I just can't understand that line of thinking!" agreed.


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Patrick said...

you are my hero