Sunday, December 27, 2009

when I grow up



I have this reoccurring dream where I'm in school. And each night when I dream this, I panic and look in my notebook for what my next class is and what homework is due. See, that's just how I was in school. Doing homework the class before it was due, my teachers always thinking I was taking notes, because somehow I still got As and Bs despite my procrastination.

I would rather teach myself. There were a few times in school when I got an assignment and I was so excited to go and complete it, because it was exactly the kind of assignment I would have given myself when home schooled. But for any thing else, I pushed it off to last minute, not wanting to give it more thought or time than I thought it deserved.

And because of this, I'm coming to grips with the fact that perhaps I'm not cut out to be a teacher. If someone doesn't learn my way, I figure it's a lost cause. I'm impatient when people don't catch on quickly and don't know how to take it from square one because I figure everyone already knows that step.

Once, when I was tutoring a second grader in math, I realized she didn't understand basic subtraction. So I pulled out a box of crayons, and had her count down from the largest number to the sum. And somehow, she still didn't know how many crayons to pull out of the box to start with on the next problem. It frustrated me so much I just wanted to grab her homework from her, do it for her, and then play hide-and-seek.

But if I'm not cut out to be a teacher, what then? I've wanted to teach since I was in fifth grade and went to my dad's classroom and saw the globe, the pull down map, the assignments hanging on the wall. I wanted to be surrounded by learning since it was what I loved.

And that leaves me here: 26, four years out of college, and still unsure of what I'm going to be when I grow up. This is just like me: to put something off much later than I should.

2 comments:

melinda sue said...

when i grow up i want to know what i want to be when i grow up.

i feel ya holly. i am lost with ehat i want to be, who i want to be.

sometimes i feel like i was more put together at age 16 than i am now.

Autumn said...

You arent the only one Holly, I'm 26 (27 in march) and I still have no idea either. And unfortunately my first choice (being a stay at home mom) doesnt pay. Well not in anything I can buy food and pay bills with. Hugs and kisses are nice but they look at you weird if you try to buy milk with that lol.