Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past

In hypothetical situations, I'm a forgiving person. I would realize people make mistakes, forgive, forget, and move forward. If only we could build our character on hypothetical situations: on scenarios where we can carefully think out the consequences of our actions and choose the best option accordingly.

But real life isn't quite so contrived. Reality is messy, eventful and unexpected. It is chaotic and unorganized and rapid. We get caught up in the moment and think with our hearts, not our heads. Our hearts don't tend to be as open-minded and even-keeled. Our hearts know what they want and cling to it with fierce resolve. Our heads try to talk us out of that very obstinateness.

There is a person I have never forgiven. Years have passed, and my stubborn heart hasn't melted one degree. I will not even think about this person with an open-mind, nor her actions with an interested curiosity. I cling to my original feeling of betrayal and refuse to rethink it. I still smile at the way I snubbed her when she tried to approach me and discuss the treason like adults would. Just imagine the wide-spread evil grin of the Grinch when I smile in remembrance.

I don't think I will ever forgive her. She is not a part of my life any longer, and I don't know if it even matters to her whether I forgive her or not. She could have moved past this event as just another Monday, nothing out of the ordinary. But whether or not it matters to her, it will always matter to me. I seek no vengeance, the way I originally did (if you checked internet history, there would be "how to punch people" as a Google search), but I still ooze resentment. I reak of that repugnant mindset and wish I could unset my mind.

For now, I can't; but that's not to say I won't. Time will elapse and perhaps my bitterness will ebb back to that evil abyss it came from. I would like to see only the good in people, but at the same time I am very aware that evil exists in us, too. It is lurking in the darkest parts of us: in our secrets and faults and vulnerabilities. It will find what makes us weak and strong arm it into submission. Only the powerful will cling to virtue with fierce resolve.

2 comments:

melinda sue said...

with forgiveness comes peace.

whether the person we are forgiving cares or not, forgiveness gives you peace within yourself.

i also wish i saw only the good in people. i both envy and loathe those people that see the good, the silver lining, in everyone and everything...

Anonymous said...

(Please) forgive me...