Monday, April 20, 2009

the joys of air travel

Steve and I traveled to Denver for a very quick two days this weekend. I am the worst traveler ever. It's not that I get stressed out in airports or anything like that, I just don't arrive sloppily enough. I'm wearing heels while I'm walking miles at a time to get from the sidewalk to the terminal. Then we get to the metal detectors and I've got to unzip my knee-high boots, take off my coat and my sweater and pretty much strip off everything I'm wearing with how perverted TSA is becoming. I hold up the line with all these low-maintenance guys wearing khaki shorts and flip flops.

Then, I get to the part where we sit in the airplane on the runway for two hours before taking off (a freak snow storm in Denver on the one day of the year we fly there), and I decide I don't want to read my two books that I brought just for this purpose. No, I want to watch direct tv (courtesy of Frontier). Well, I don't have earphones, so I whine and beg Steve for his, but he's not budging. "Ask the stewardess," he says, but I do and she blows me off saying, "I don't have any on me." No shit. It's not like you wear them like necklaces, you have to walk back and get them. That's your JOB. You're a waitress in the air and damn it, I want some headphones. So I had to sit through half a VH1 show attempting to read lips (which is surprisingly easy considering every other word is "bitch").

I was very unimpressed with our "ladies of the air," and how unfriendly they were. The other stewardess was taking luggage out of the overhead storage compartments and sending them back to be checked because she felt they were a bit too big. Then she insisted that my purse can't sit next to me, but has to sit under my seat. It was her mistake when I didn't get my gum in. Why don't you quit meddling in these petty details and get that baby in 8F some NyQuil?

When the beverage cart came around, Steve and I each got only a piddly little cup with the ice with holes in it and a drop of soda when everyone around us got the can, too. I guess I really put them out by asking for headphones and having a purse. When we finally did land, the stewardesses (stewardesi?) were laughing so hard at the pilot that he couldn't make his announcement. This meant the PA system flickering on and off between giggles. The whole ordeal was pretty annoying to me because every time they make an announcement, the sound goes off on my tv (I finally got earphones and then later found some in my backpack that I purposefully saved last time we flew).

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