There is a reason I don’t have many (minus the “m”) friends. It is because of the following list:
Traits I look for in a friend (must have all to be considered):
1. In conversation, both speaks and listens, and a fair amount of each.
2. Will at least act (but prefer to actually be) excited when I recount the story of how I scammed the Express guy by using my coupon on redlined items.
3. Hates the same things I hate (such as: denim on denim, “LOL,” and cats).
4. Would never ask me along to a Mani-Pedi.
5. Knows the difference between Old Navy and Banana Republic.
6. Does not comment on how eating all that ice cream just canceled out my workout.
7. Doesn’t buy his/her clothes at thrift stores, but also doesn’t mind that I buy mine on eBay (I know it’s a double-standard: see opening sentence).
8. Doesn’t have to be a drunk, and doesn’t have to be completely sober, but definitely doesn’t rule either option out when trying to have a good time.
9. Cares less about how much money they make than about enjoying their job.
10. Is technologically savvy enough to text, email, and Facebook. Prefer to type at least 60 wpm.
11. Will take a joke too far.
12. Is never trying to “save” anyone they’ve never met before. No street evangelists or people who say “I’m praying for you,” to complete strangers.
13. Doesn’t even cringe when I use two curse words in one sentence.
14. Watches the same shitty shows I do (pretty much any reality tv will work) and comments about it afterward.
15. Would never leave me stranded if they got too drunk.
16. If they don’t get it, they will pretend they do before acting like a complete ditz.
17. Finds certain traditions charming and essential: like watching “White Christmas” each December.
18. Offers to drive when we go out together without me having to ask because they know my car is a pile of shit, but don’t feel the need to point it out.
19. You don’t have to be a crazed animal lover (actually, I prefer that you aren’t: that is creepy), but you do have to at least tolerate my dog.
20. Will also refer to scary-looking strangers by titles that would offend other listeners--such as: “pedophile,” “molester,” or “circus freak.”